I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
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Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.