I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
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Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats