I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
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– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
uncle dave has been through hell
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I only look at Wordle for the articles