I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
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I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.