I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
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🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Fiction has to make sense.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
a public service announcement
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
how many bears make up a bear minimum
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.