I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
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Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
watergate? u mean a dam??
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
🛁
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator