@TopherKearby The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
@emily_tweets I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
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@TopherKearby 
@GlennyRodge The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
@offbeatoliv Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
@Jake_Vig Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
@Rollmaninoz Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
@iwearaonesie *lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
@XplodingUnicorn Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
@DuckhouseMedia Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
@videojame_ 
@catstronomical My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.