@emily_tweets

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

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@TopherKearby

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

@GlennyRodge

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

@offbeatoliv

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

@Jake_Vig

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

@Rollmaninoz

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

@iwearaonesie

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

@DuckhouseMedia

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

@catstronomical

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.