I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

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The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.


The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.


Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks


Ok a scotch “grande”


Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.


June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok


*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”


Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”


Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer


My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.