I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
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*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13