I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
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Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.