I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
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Cucumbers Anonymous
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.