I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
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[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.