I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
You Might Also Like
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle