I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
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I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together