I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
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I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead