I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
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I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.