I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
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The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms