I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
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If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Spotted in New Orleans.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?