I can’t stop watching this.
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[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I don’t know what to do
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs