*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
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Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.