Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

Venn

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

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-Octopus preparing for a fight

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

Going into Monday like

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis