@FlyJ_ *Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
@audipenny i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
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@FlyJ_ 
@nicfit75 Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
@CaptainObtuse I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
@JanuaryJames One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
@MrJeberling My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
@causticbob vegan witches, happy halloween!
@LizHackett I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
@brendohare Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
@badbanana If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.