@audipenny

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

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@FlyJ_

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

@nicfit75

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

@CaptainObtuse

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

@JanuaryJames

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

@MrJeberling

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

@LizHackett

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

@

[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

@brendohare

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

@badbanana

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.