i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

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*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*


Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.


I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes


One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.


My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.


I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.


[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
[looks at label]


Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting


If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.