I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
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When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
taking June’s advice to heart
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”