I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
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My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.