I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
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There is no try. There is only give up.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
two people or more is called a problem
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
me as a parent
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.