I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
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Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
everyone’s a critic
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.