I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
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[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
then why did i get this email
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I saw nothing
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person