I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.
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I put the dance in “Good riddance!”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
our love story in four pictures
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It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
iPhone chargers should be called Apple juice. I’ll show myself out.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks