I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Room with a view.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*