“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
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(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Shark week, but for squirrels.