I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
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[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm