I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
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Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
a public service announcement
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
This is why I hate group projects
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day