I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

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Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.


I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.


I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.


Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.


you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken


Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs


My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.


Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week


I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant


Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.