I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
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assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
oh my gosh!!
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry