I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
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A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.
So can you!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby