[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
You Might Also Like
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!
It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Alien 1: Was Earth enjoyable?
Alien 2: Indeed. I landed in the city of “Ghetto.” Locals bestowed upon me the title of “E.T. Lookin Nigga.”