I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too