I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

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[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.


Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.


9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.



Me: Can I go back to sleep now?


If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.


Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.


Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.


UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.


WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.


Alien 1: Was Earth enjoyable?

Alien 2: Indeed. I landed in the city of “Ghetto.” Locals bestowed upon me the title of “E.T. Lookin Nigga.”