I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
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Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job