I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
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Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Snapes on a plane.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.