I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
You Might Also Like
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
More like Kate Missington.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
me when I see my crush
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life