i can’t wait that long
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Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all