I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
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WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath