I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
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Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.