Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

At least my masseuse has my back.

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

doctor: i have your blood test here

me: and?

doctor: you failed

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot