I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
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Merry Christmas
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.