“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
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“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
No. He’s not coming out to play
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.