I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
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Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
The internet is magic sometimes.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Is this a threat?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.