I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
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The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p