I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
You Might Also Like
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.