I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
You Might Also Like
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Nice try, poison.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.