I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
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Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Stonehinge
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris