I can’t wait!
You Might Also Like
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!