I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
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I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*