i can’t work under these festive conditions
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[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.