i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
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2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Breaking news:
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
thanksgiving should be called feaster
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.