I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
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Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Whoa 😂
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.