I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
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I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
#Thanos #MondayMood
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.