I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
ACED my prostate exam!
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.