I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
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I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Always…
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.